Thread:Hushuzu/@comment-28578706-20180810051838

I dont like myself, my thoughts or my body. I get asked if I like girls more than I feel comfortable with and it makes me question my own sexuality because of just how many people as me it. That is why i put myself as bisexual because if im honest I dont know. I go through a constant fear of my parents divorcing and to hear my mom tell me she no longer wants to be with my dad and ask me if thats alright just pulls me.

To have people break my friendship with them over a single sport. To be asked why im depressed when I have no reasoning. Never believed there had to be one. Losing weight and hoping this sport will pull me through yet no matter how many positives I find there will always be so many more negatives that are going to shoot me down.

I wont be active, I’ll come by when I can but I have a lot of really big classes this year and a sport that keeps me away from my phone as it should.

To not feel confident in my body yet be in a sport where im nearly exposed is so weird. To hopefully be able to be social and as my family calls it “blossom” because its who i am, im a social person and a positive person. But the people I put myself with in freshman year destroyed that part of me and im hoping this year I can bounce back.

I had goals this summer. Ive achieved nearly all of them but confidence. Im known to have a petite body type, small. Ballerina body as my aunt like to say. Id love to do ballet but so many programs push away people my age because its “too late” and it hurts. Because now i feel like i must do everything on my own and learn on my own as ive down for years being an only child.

Team work isnt my thing, and it makes it so hard for me. My parents nearly put me in bootcamp. So i can learn it. To be broken down and then rebuilt through bootcamp.

To have teachers and actual friends who care and yet not accept it because im scared if i say too much it will only hurt me in the end. To be called a hoe because i bond more with guys and then lesbian because i dont dress like the other girls or wear makeup. To have my whole family THIS YEAR strip me of who i am and place me in these clothes that make me seem like these other girls, yet im too shy and quiet to show people thats not me. My clothes and look dont define me yet my whole highschool year thats how ive been defined thats how A LOT of kids are defined.

To make a friend of a teacher and have kids tell me things that make me uncomfortable like how that teacher is my “boyfriend” when all he wants to do is help me!

To sit in my room and cry for hours because i feel so lonely, because I feel like everyone I talk to is upset with me or mad or just frustrated! That what I said was wrong that im being too harsh that im being too nice? Like im making them feel uncomfortable that im HURTING them.

“Being an only child is great” that saying makes me sick because everyone says it and maybe its just my life style that makes it hard for me to believe being the only child is just heaven! Maybe its just how i live my life. But to feel uncomfortable and scared to lay in my bed alone everynight, to feel like somethings watching to, that somethings about to grab me.

My mom constantly wants me to watch videos of what kids do to each other in highschool like these documentaries, about how these kids used this girl and then left her to fucking rot and for my own mother to tell me- that the girl is me. That every time one of my friends who are a guy get close to me to feel slightly uneasy. Because my mom made me think for YEARS guys will just use me.

Of course I still hang out with my friends. So i guess you say i go against what my mom taught me. But apart of me still gets nervous like imma do something dumb and its gonna go down hill.

Is it weird to be scared of the dark when im 16? That I feel most comfortable in my room when my dog is with me...

Its now 1:18am and...yeah 